West Marin Naturally:Toxic Waste Removal

As I prepare for two days on West Marin beaches cleaning up the insolent crude left behind by the Cosco Busan, I am stalled by the age-old question. What DOES a woman wear to a toxic oil spill clean up?

I imagine myself on the beach picking up litter and oil soaked debris. My clothes should be kind enough to bend and crouch with comfort. I imagine the heat of a HAZMAT suit aided by the sun, yet cooling off with less effort, so my clothes should wick. I chose cute, yet supportive rubber boots to complete my easy clambering-a-bout low tide style.

The Hazmat suit comes in a big and bulky two sizes fits all. Large drop cloth and extra large drop cloth. I muse the roomy contraption to be somewhat sexy in its austere sensibility.

Now the question of enormous importance. How does a woman accessorize a Hazmat suit? I do not believe I have ever seen a couture Hazmat show on the Paris runways. I think the big fashion designers should create some fashionable looks if these oil spills are going to continue. Perhaps next spill I can order my Hazmat from Chanel.

The porous fabric is skeleton white. This is not a color. This is draining to my complexion. I decide to add a glamorous touch and wear perfect little diamond studs. I don't want to look obvious, so I add a second pair of chocolate colored smoky quartz. The bending, scooping and scraping requires that my long hair be pulled off my face so my earrings will twinkle. My HAZMAT helmet will douse my charm, but what the heck.

Sunscreen, chapstick, sunglasses, hats, alcohol gel, wet wipes, extra socks, snacks and yerba-mate from Toby’s and I am ready.

At the Bolinas Fire Station, we are told the toxicity level is not high enough to require the Hazmat suit. I see a few disappointed faces. Like me, these ladies are yearning to wear the exclusive garment.

At the beach, each volunteer is given two sets of gloves and one pair of shapeless rubber booties. On Saturday, these booties are yellow, which are more duck-like fashionable than the sleek black numbers we receive on Sunday.

When the yellow boots are on and tightly duct taped to our calves I notice some women preening. Lets face it, chicks will be chicks. The green gloves complete our stylish Toxic Fashionista look.

I team up with two spirited ladies who look like Super Heroes in the toxic necessities and stretchy black pants. We haul humongous plastic bags around the beach. We sift thru sand with the official government issued cat litter spoon as if we were prospectors. Instead of gold nuggets, we find oil globules. The thought of gold has us admitting that we put a great deal of thought into our jewelry and garments.

The one thing we wish we had was a tiny backpack that stayed put while bending. Are you listening Louis Vuitton?

We learn not to wear anything we care for. Our shirts permanently stain with the spilled oil. Our pants now have rings of duct tape around the bottom that does not wash out.

Toxic fashion lesson learned.

As for me, I’ll be putting that unused Hazmat suit to good use this Halloween.